an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.