@DrakeBell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"
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@osoplain: I'm texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
@AndyAsAdjective: I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
@jake_likes_naps: [at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*
@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!