In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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