“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Saw online –
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message