hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no