My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
😜
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The devil.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.