[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently