@Pirate_nurse: In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn't understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Home_Halfway: "How much for this melted ghost?" Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys
@mydanimarie: Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
@SoVeryBritish: Responding as if you've just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you're still in bed
@BuckyIsotope: ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy