my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
i meant to share this earlier
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.