In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.