@jergarl: In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was "I'm less stabby than normal" not "Please tell me about your cat."
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@lecalabara: Home Alone 6: Homeland Security - Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
@Bagyants: I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."
@TheAlexNevil: Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday?? Me (eating leftovers from fridge): ...reports.