Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Natty or not?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.