@Manda_like_wine: In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@internetluke: TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
@AbbeYaar: Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.
@shegotagronk: If you're ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she's not hot enough to be that crazy.