In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars