In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women