In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
the short answer to this question
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”