Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse