In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
You Might Also Like
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh