CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.