@heartlessX0: In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
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@_ElvishPresley_: Me: (accidentally crushes the World's Smallest Violin) Guy who owns the World's Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
@Dorkstress: Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
@TheTweetOfGod: People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
@amazymay72x: Husband: I'll unload the dishwasher for you, honey. Me: No rush. 3 days later.......regrets saying no rush.