[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.