[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100