In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Boy never ceases to amaze me
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
a badder mouse
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.