In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.