In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You Might Also Like
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
getting groceries
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car