When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.