The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Just as the prophecy foretold
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly