In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster