Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
thank god
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.