What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Breaking news:
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…