In Russia, Pokemon find you.
You Might Also Like
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
bout dat hot dog summer
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!