Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When can I start eating bats again.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.