[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.