in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
good for her
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on