If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok