Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
monday
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow