In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You Might Also Like
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
PARKOUR
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.