In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
multitasking lunch
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?