In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?