In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I know
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.