@edfoxcomedy: In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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@One2thTEXAN: *walks up to cute teller at bank* Me: you wanna grab lunch some time? T: sir, I've seen your balance. M: yea, I was hoping you'd buy.
@Dorkstress: Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
@GriffonTaylonYo: Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK! Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun