In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?