@edfoxcomedy: In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@J0hnnyBlaze: Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
@IamEveryDayPpl: My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.