@edfoxcomedy: In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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@markydoodoo: A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
@sixfootcandy: [camping] Him: Did you eat the last s'more? Me: No. Him: You're lying. Me: How do you know? Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
@better_off_dad: *phone rings Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’ Me: ‘Can you do it?’
@wheelswordsmith: australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000