In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
what’s really going on
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“We will wed,” I threatened
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.