*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.