In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.