In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.