I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You Might Also Like
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Morning.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger