*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
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Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.