@trojansauce: *in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i'll see you ladies inside
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@TheMichaelRock: I'll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.
@CulturedRuffian: ODE TO TWITTER 🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder where you are, Twitter changed you to a heart, I don't think they're very smart🎶
@randomlawless: My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to "work her core." I'm eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. I win.
@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.