*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.