How about I get 100% off by already being there
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.