*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.