There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
remember
only for emergencies
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.