@JordanFoisy: In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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@writersdream: Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
@3sunzzz: [aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. "We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle."
@KarlreMarks: Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don't go to Africa and start naming lions 'Ahmad' and 'Hassan'.