[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
me when I see my crush
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.