It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You Might Also Like
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.