In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I put the mess in domestic.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.